My Most Dreaded Post

Warning: the following post is one I have literally dreaded writing and is one of the reasons I've been so terrible about posting because I haven't wanted to write about this. But I promised myself when I first made this blog that, no matter what, I would share this part of "our" story too.

2012 started out with our first annual Disneyland Trip over Martin Luther King weekend. We went with my younger brother Ryan and his friend Tanner Wallis. We picked this weekend because it's the weekend before Ryan's birthday and that's what he wanted to do. It's now evolved into a yearly trip! If you haven't already figured it out, we LOVE Disneyland so this tradition is one we will ALWAYS have. (Sorry for the kinda crappy pictures... I only took 3 this trip) 

Friday, January 27th 2012:

Just a few days after we got home from Disneyland and I was exhausted at work! I thought it was just because of our long, sleepless weekend at Disneyland but boy was I wrong! Half way through the day I realized that my "monthly mother nature" hadn't visited me yet and I was late. I started to freak out because I'm a very regular person who took those lovely pills every single day so that I would not have a baby before we were ready. I was literally freaking out at work and texting my sister frantically all day. I was 100 percent sure there was no way I could be pregnant. After work, we stopped by to get some tests just to be sure so I could stop feeling like I was going to have a heart attack every time I thought about it. I came home, waited the 3 minutes and to my very shocking surprise... there were two pink lines. For those of you who don't know what that means... it means I was pregnant. I began to cry and told Colton, we hugged and cheered and he immediately started looking online at insurance, financial stuff, etc while I went outside to call my sister because I felt like I was going to have a little mini breakdown. I cried and told her I was pregnant and was so scared because I hadn't been planning on having a baby right now and had not taken any prenatal vitamins or anything. That phone call was hard because I literally had to go from not planning on or sadly, wanting, a baby at that time to realizing that I was going to be having a baby, a real human baby. Talk about emotional roller coaster! 

I made an appointment with my doctor to get an ultrasound for Thursday, February 23rd, the day after my brother left on his mission. In the weeks after I found out I was pregnant I started to get very sick and was tired all the time. I threw up at least 8-10 times a day and Colton would hold my hair back every one of those times. I started to have irregular bleeding and one afternoon in particular, I had a few complications and just knew something was very wrong.

At our appointment, I was told I had lost the baby and would need to get a d&c to clean out everything that was left behind. I surprised myself and didn't cry when the doctor told us or any time during the rest of the appointment. But once we got in the car... that was a different story. I broke down and cried while Colton hugged me. A week later I had another ultrasound just to double check that there wasn't anything the doctor had missed. Tuesday, March 6th 2012 I had my d&c in the early morning, I'm talking 4am early, and Colton and my family took super awesome care of me! :)

I tried to be brave during those few weeks and not get all emotional and cry about it. Some friends and family knew what was going on and they were so caring and kind but it was hard. That's really the only word to describe it. It was hard to sit there and smile when people would tell me how sorry they were and how sad it made them feel. It was hard to be brave and move forward when the wound was still so new. . It was hard. It still is hard sometimes.  

The Girl Who Had A Miscarriage,

Erica